What It Is Like Now

What it is like now: “I wake up and the first thing I feel is joy and a smile on my face. I have lots of gratitude for all the wonderful things in my life today. I feel good because I have peace of mind and am free of all the physical pains of withdrawal. I look forward to getting a cup of coffee and spending some time in prayer and meditation before reading the paper and heading off to a job I love, the same job I previously hated. I enjoy so many of the small things in life I always had no time for. This is amazing. I really do live a life I never would have dreamed possible for me.”

What it used to be like: “I wake up and the first thing I feel is a frog in my throat. Then nausea, aches and pains rush in as I realize it’s another fine morning and I am dope sick. Gagging, I remember that I saved some heroin for morning because I knew it was going to be like this and I crawl out of bed to head for the bathroom. As I guessed there is only a little left and only one dull syringe. After I do it, it only helps a little to get me going. The next thoughts are on how, where and when I can get more to get me through the day, so I can wake up this way again tomorrow."

After well over 25 years of drinking and drugging there just wasn’t anything left. I was deeply in debt, spiritually and morally empty and I had no meaningful relationships with anyone including my wife who lived with me and shared my addiction. I was completely incapable of making decisions based on anything except immediate personal needs. I had to change my situation.

I knew where to go for help. I just couldn’t get there. I had honestly told myself at least a thousand times that I would get help the next day. Desperate, I finally checked into a detoxification clinic and began the road to recovery.

I saw right away when I began attending twelve-step meetings that some people were very happy and had what I wanted. I hung with these people and was fortunate to get a great sponsor and make good friends in the program. They seemed to focus on the spiritual side of the program so I did as well. It worked. One of these friends, a spiritual mentor, invited me to an eleventh step meditation meeting early on in my recovery. This played an incredible part in my transformation. It took some effort but I learned to practice meditation regularly and still do. I can never overestimate the value of quiet time spent focusing on what is inside me as opposed to the physical part of life.

Once I learned to put the emphasis on the right things and to live by certain principals, everything else just seemed to come along. Recently I bought my first house at fifty years old. It is really nice and my wife and I are having a lot of fun improving it. I’m turning my financial situation around. I have paid back most of my debts and am working on the others. Not surprisingly my income has improved and I actually hold on to some of what I earn. I truly have been relieved of fear of financial failure.

All of my relationships with people have improved and I now appreciate them as never before. I look forward to spending time with family and friends because I have nothing to hide or feel bad about. My marriage is great and we have become best friends as well. We work and travel together and life is good.

If you are new to recovery and think all this sounds corny or to good to be true, well I did too. I just got to the point where I had to change, and this is really what happened. If you’re not ready just go back out there and party and suffer a while longer. If on the other hand you have enough hope and desire to believe this life is possible for you, then ask for help and trust another person in recovery. It can only get better.

John N