Question 2:

Hi, my daughter is recovering from using heroin. She is 31. My big concern is that although she chose a methodone treatment center, and has been clean for over 90 days, in that time, she has only attended 2 meetings. I am afraid of this. From what I understand, it IS critical that she attend meetings. She is in contact with the boyfriend, that used with her. She says she loves him, and even though he is in recovery too..she seems more invested in the "relationship" then she is in herself. I wonder if anyone here can tell me HOW important are the meetings?? I feel that I am right when I tell her that she must attend, but I have also learned through al-anon that SHE has to work her own program. This is all so scary for me. I would appreciate any feedback on this issue.... Just a mom that cares....

You ask a very good question. I can offer my thoughts based on my own experiences and those of others close to me. You are very right to be concerned. For me recovery began when I realized that I was in a situation from which I could not recover on my own. I needed, and continue to need, help. I believe that most of that help came from a Higher Power but it came through the people in AA and NA. These people had been where I was and knew what to do to recover. They showed me how to begin life anew, taking a wonderfully different direction. I could not have discovered this on my own and probably could not have figured it out just by reading the AA and NA books, as fantastic as they are. I needed people to help me and I found these people at AA and NA meetings. I got no help whatsoever from the friends I had when I was using, although some of them are living successful lives of recovery today. We in the "Anonymous" programs try to avoid absolutes; we never say never, but I will say this, I have yet to meet the person who is living a life of recovery for whom meetings did not play a major role. Still, I did have to find my own way into recovery. Other people, especially my parents, helped to point the way but it wasn't until I was good and ready that I crawled into the rooms and started attending AA and NA meetings.
Chris H

I have a lot of experience with Methadone, however the daughter may not want to hear it. The answer is Methadone is a drug. Actually it is an extremely powerful and very mood altering drug. It really is just clinically pure and cheap heroin. The clinics were established under the premise that heroin addicts might get there lives together more with it than if they had to fight for the heroin on a daily basis. It proved somewhat helpful to me for while but really it just prolonged my disease for eighteen years. I probably would have hit bottom a lot sooner without it. I tried going to meetings but it doesn't work since recovery only works well with complete abstinence. As far as my personal experience I don't know anyone (and I new hundreds of addicts on Methadone), who ever gained any good recovery or spiritual growth while still on any mood altering substance. Hope this helps, I can certainly relate to this persons dilemma.
John N

You are right. Keep going to Alanon meetings, this will help you understand your daughters addiction. I do not think methadone is the answer for recovering users. I used meth when I could not get heroin. If her boyfriend loves your daughter he should help her by leaving her so she can go on with her recovery. She must stay away from old friends that use. She can meet new friends at meetings. If she works her own program, her own way and not the right program such as the twelve steps and meetings, she may go back to using. If she relapses she must try recovery again and again and again. It took me 3 times. The third time was a charm. Good luck
Recovering Heroin User

I was scared too when I started out with meetings. I wish there was something I could say to magically make your fear go away, but I don’t think there is. I have never been able to talk or think my fear away. All I could do was face my fear and walk through it. Always I find that things were never as bad as I had imagined. Often it turns out that whatever I was afraid of is really incredibly good. What I can tell you is that I wanted to quit my life of drinking and drugging more than I was afraid of going to meetings and asking someone to be my sponsor. What happened after that has been the beginning of an amazing journey. The first person I asked to be my sponsor said no, but did it nicely, explaining that he was working with too many people already and wouldn’t be able to give me the time I needed and deserved. The next person I asked said yes.

Now I know that most of the people at meetings really understand how recovery works. It works by one alcoholic or addict helping another. If I don’t reach my hand out to help a newcomer I won’t make any progress with my own recovery. This means I am eager to help the newcomer. This is how most people at meetings feel. They are eager to help you. You will be amazed at what happens if you go to a meeting and tell someone you are scared and need a sponsor.
Chris H

I know that I was scared about going to meetings for many reasons. One was that I was afraid that people would judge me harshly. What I found was the exact opposite. No one judged me; the people were incredibly kind and understood what I was feeling. At one of my very first meetings the speaker reminded me that no one got to AA on the wings of victory, we have all made mistakes, often some really, really BIG mistakes. What I learned is that no longer matters. In AA, I found that for the first time in my life I was not judged and defined by my mistakes. The people in AA just wanted to help me recover and to live a better life.

Another reason that I was afraid was that I thought I would be observed going into an AA meeting and that people would then find out that I had a drinking problem. In retrospect this seems a little strange, I didn't seem to mind when people saw me stumbling out of bars on many occasions. The reality of the situation was that most people already knew I had a drinking problem. It was just my denial of my own problem that led me to believe that no one knew. I don't go around broadcasting that I am in AA, but the ones who do know are very supportive. I am so glad I finally did something about my disease instead of letting fear keep me trapped, I know I lived that way for far too long.

As far as sponsors go, I too was afraid to ask. In fact, the first person I asked said no. I was a little put off, because I had to gather up my courage in the first place. But it was OK. I then asked somebody else and she said yes, and she was the exact right person for me. Upon reflection, I don't think the person I initially asked was the right one for me. At many meetings especially beginners meetings they will ask those who are willing to be sponsors the raise their hands, those people will say yes if you ask, that was how I found the second person.
Patty K