I CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC BECAUSE….

I can't be an alcoholic, that is ridiculous. I don't look like an alcoholic and I certainly do not act like one, do I?

Sure I drink too much sometimes, doesn't everyone, once in a while? Maybe I drink a little more than most people, but then again I am Catholic and Irish to boot, so of course I can handle more booze than most people, its genetic.

So what if I go out to the bar a few nights a week, that has nothing to do with alcohol. That's all about companionship. After all, I live alone, who wants to go home to an empty apartment and watch TV? That's lonely and boring. Certainly it's better for my emotional well being to hoist a few with good friends.

Maybe I drink a little more than I intended more often than I used to, but after all I have a very stressful job, so it's important for me to let off steam. I don't drink during the day or go to work drunk, hung over maybe, but that is all about pacing myself, I just have to remember to occasionally have a glass of water or drink a diet coke in between beers.

I guess I have to admit that sometimes weird things do happen after I've had a few. But that's because I like adventure and taking risks. After all, the best way to live life to the fullest is to live on the edge. Anyway, most of the really strange stuff happens when I drink Tequila, I just can't do that anymore, well not shots, Margaritas are still all right.

Okay, I did have a DUI, but that was because I stupidly did not eat lunch before I went to Happy Hour. Now I don't drink and drive anymore, I take cabs. See, no problem.

A real alcoholic would just keep drinking and driving. I don't do that. A real alcoholic would drink alone, I don't. I rarely even have alcohol in my home. What kind of alcoholic doesn't even keep booze in the house?

It's not like I drink every day. There are days when I walk right by the bar, without even going in to see who is there. An alcoholic couldn't do that, right? I don't drink too much every time, there have been plenty of times when I just have a few beers after work then go home and not be even a little drunk. See no problem. Bad things don't happen every time I drink. Okay, my behavior isn't always stellar. Sometimes I get really angry, scream and say very mean things, but that is usually because someone has made me really mad. Sometimes I end up in places that I shouldn't be with some creepy people, but nothing too bad ever happens, I manage to get out of it most of the time. Sometimes I admit I'm not too sure what happened. But a lot of the time I have fun, I think. Maybe those unpleasant or even scary things do happen a little more often than they did before and maybe a things get a little scarier and little more unpleasant, but it's not every time. So there is no problem, I can handle this can't I?

This is the kind of running dialog I had in my head for years, all of it nonsense.

To answer one of my own questions: What kind of alcoholic walks by the bar or doesn't keep booze in her home - One that is trying desperately to convince herself that she is not an alcoholic. I had to work very, very hard to keep myself in denial about just how much alcohol was in control of my life.

What I have come to understand is just how different my thinking about alcohol was than most people. Normal (non-alcoholic) people walk by bars every day, without thinking they are heroic for doing so. Normal people can keep alcohol in their homes without worrying about it. Normal people can predict how they will behave when they drink. Normal people do not have think up reasons to show why they are not an alcoholic.

I know now that I am an alcoholic, because I never knew what was going to happen once I picked up that first drink. I could not tell how I was going to behave or where I would be. Things could be fine or I could end up in a nightmare. I didn't know if I was going to be laughing and having fun or end up screaming like a lunatic in a drunken rage. I didn't know if I would dance the night away or hurl myself out of a moving car. I didn't know if I would be able to awaken the next morning and smile about good times that were had or be paralyzed by the shame and horror of what I had done.

Even though I didn't know how things would turn out, I always hoped for and expected fun and excitement. But as time went on, it was less and less fun and simply uglier and uglier. But I kept hoping anyway, despite mounting evidence to the contrary. I did not realize that I was powerless, that the alcohol was in control. I continued to let it be in control, even though it almost destroyed me and hurt those that I love. That was my insanity.

I don't have to live that way anymore. My life now is in the care of my Higher Power, who treats me much better than alcohol ever could. Alcohol took away my reason, stole my dignity, I had lost the very essence of myself. Now, through the grace of God and AA (and working the steps) my dignity has been returned, my reason is being restored, and I am now able to work on becoming the person I was meant to be.
So I am a grateful alcoholic.

Patty K.

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