How Could This Happen?

Life has served me up two major surprises. First, I was amazed to find myself hopelessly addicted to alcohol and cocaine and to realize that my life was disintegrating right before my eyes. How could this have happened? I was an expert at using mind altering substances, with skills honed by many years of experience. I never, well, almost never, let myself get out of control. I was a responsible drinker and drug user. I had a great job. I paid all my bills. People seemed to think I was pretty cool. How the hell did I get in a mess like this?

It turns out that I was pretty much the only one who was surprised. I had lost any control over my drinking or drug use long before I realized it myself. Others were not so blind to my behavior. Even my hard drinking girl friend thought I was out of control. From time to time others, such as my wife on her way out the door, suggested that perhaps I wasn’t as keen an expert with mind altering substances as I thought. But no, the proof was in the pudding, as long as I could hold things together, I was OK.

And now here I was and I couldn’t hold things together. I wanted to but the evidence was overwhelming. Everything was gone or going: wife, job, girl friend. All that was left were a few drunks trying to keep the party going. As I struggled to get that first shot of vodka to stay down in the morning the obvious facts of the situation were impossible to ignore: I was done. I was down and only going lower. How the hell did this happen?

The second major surprise was life without drinking or drugging: who would have expected it to be so great?

It goes way past the obvious things like no more hangovers, no struggling to remember what happened last night, no need for constant lying to everyone, no fear of answering the door or the telephone, no long bouts of self loathing, you know, the everyday stuff. The big surprise is the overall lightness of spirit, the genuine happiness, the feelings of contentment and peace. Unexpected was the ability to develop deep and meaningful friendships often and easily, the joy of true friendship having been forgotten.

Who would have thought that all of the mistakes, pain and guilt of the past could become a source of strength? Who would believe that some of those shattered relationships could be repaired, forgiveness given and received? Unexpected was a renewed ability to find joy in work, something that seemed lost forever. And who would have ever thought that I would be able to say that I have a purpose? Life for me has a purpose and I know what it is.

On top of all of this is amazement at being surrounded by people who feel much the same, people who were once miserable and who now are constantly surprised at how wonderful life can be. I never dreamed life could be like this, especially for me.