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Struggling with alcohol and drugs, I came
into AA and after a few rounds in treatment centers and detoxes, I finally
surrendered. I took suggestions, worked the Twelve Steps of AA, and enjoyed
10 years of continuous sobriety. These were the best 10 years of my life.
After quite some time I stopped going to meetings and believed I was cured.
I thought I managed quite well without going to meetings and my life appeared
to be moving along nicely.
Eventually I experienced a very upsetting situation. By this time, as
a result of not going to meetings, I had forgotten the tools that AA had
taught me to help deal with life on life’s terms. Alcohol had again
become an option to help handle the emotional upset. I got drunk that
night and told myself the next day to put it behind me. The experience
didn't seem to have any lasting, negative consequences.
After about six weeks, another emotional upset occurred and again I decided
to handle it with alcohol since the last time had seemed successful; again,
no obvious, negative consequences.
By now I had convinced myself that I could safely drink. 9-1/2 years of
active alcoholism followed and the devastating consequences: jail, DUI’s,
head injury/coma, to name but a few.
Finally, after a weekend-long blackout I ended up in jail, feeling that
suicide was a viable solution. My despair had reached a depth so low that
now, again I was willing to surrender and seek AA, the solution that had
worked so well before. I knew that I couldn’t do it alone for the
disease of addiction/alcoholism is far bigger than I am.
Upon returning to the rooms of AA, I felt that I had returned “home.”
My fellow brothers and sisters welcomed me with open arms. They listened,
understood and offered me love and acceptance that helped to accept, and
eventually heal, my internal world of spiritual suffering.
After 15 months of sobriety I relapsed again. I have learned by my mistakes
that there is, for me, a common denominator preceding every relapse: I
stop using the tools I learned in AA. Whenever I isolate, stop going to
meetings, start making decisions based on self, stop praying and stop
practicing the 12 Steps of AA in my daily life, my disease opens a door,
gets a foothold, and eventually steps in and takes over.
Now, I surrender my will on a daily basis. The obsession to drink has
been lifted. I pray that I will always remember from where I came, and
recognize my sobriety as a precious gift; a daily reprieve based upon
my fit spiritual condition.
To keep myself spiritually fit, I go to meetings, work with my sponsor,
help others in the program, and volunteer whenever I am able. I continue
to work the Twelve Steps on a daily basis and as a result of doing these
things, life has never been better. Today, I am grateful to have this
gift of sobriety; it has re-opened closed doors and opened new ones beyond
my wildest dreams.
Lynda W
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